| I am 23 years old and for the first 20 years of my life I | | | | Fast forward 4 or 5 months after the break up and on |
| lived life just like everybody else;some days I would be | | | | my way to school one day. I noticed that somebody in |
| up and some days I would be down. I never really | | | | my house was throwing away books into a box in the |
| thought about it and I never thought that I could control | | | | garbage pile outside. Being the curious reader that I |
| the way that I was feeling. I just figured that such was | | | | was at the time, I looked into the box and took out two |
| the reward for living life; that you would be victim to a | | | | books whose titles had interested me, went back into |
| rollercoaster of emotions that moved at the whim of | | | | the house and put them in my room and went off to |
| chance and fortune. | | | | school. |
| These ideas all changed suddenly once I found a | | | | Months passed, and I have now immersed myself into |
| girlfriend who I actually had feelings for. It was a new | | | | school, but when I get up to take a breath, I still felt |
| range of emotions that I felt and was hyper aware of. | | | | extremely empty and depressed. All the college |
| First there came the satisfaction combined with | | | | reading, activity and homework would take my mind |
| happiness that I felt when we first came together. | | | | off how I felt as some type of diversion from reality. |
| Then you had the physical feelings which came with | | | | However, it was still all there and i'd realize this when I |
| physical closeness and intimacy. I felt the spiritual | | | | got my head out of the books. |
| connection of having somebody as well. Also there | | | | BUT, this all changed one bright day when I decided to |
| was that pain of missing her when days would go by | | | | pick up one of the books I had found in the garbage |
| without us talking to each other. There were thoughts | | | | and started read. |
| of fear, jealous thoughts that would arise considering | | | | I remember so clearly that first time I read the magical |
| her ability to cheat or if she was to leave me. | | | | words of the book, because it was truly an emotional |
| There were probably even more feelings, like anger , | | | | release out of a dark prison where I had resided for |
| resentment , bitterness. etc. at times, but all in all it was | | | | years. The words of this book, would just bring a |
| a rollercoaster ride that occupied about 90% of my | | | | positive wave of energy over you , as the author |
| mind. | | | | wrote powerful words that uplifted me immediately. It |
| Until suddenly , I broke up with this girlfriend in a fit of | | | | was night and day in terms of sadness to happiness |
| rage over something that apparently had happened | | | | by just reading a page or two, it was remarkable. |
| without me knowing about it. At the time, it felt like a | | | | At this time , little old me, a 19 year old kid got the |
| good idea , but I had no idea that my mind was not | | | | answer to the age old question concerning happiness. |
| ready to release itself of this emotional drug that I had | | | | It turned out , that your happiness depended only upon |
| forced it to be attached to. (After much reflection I | | | | what you were thinking at any given moment. This |
| realized that it was not that this was such a special girl, | | | | was fact, because I would have a bad day with |
| but rather it was that I had attached myself totally to | | | | horrible experiences and then pull out this book to read |
| this female and the loss of her sent me on a | | | | and I would be feeling positive after 5 minutes. It was |
| downward spiral). | | | | solid and reliable. It was cause and effect. |
| About the day after I broke it all off, I started to feel | | | | Overtime I became addicted to this book. Anytime |
| withdrawal symptoms. These symptoms included ;the | | | | when I was feeling a little down, I would go and read |
| loss of energy, the loss of desire to do anything, | | | | this book and after about 5 minutes there I was , |
| sadness, anger, regret and an immovable pain inside of | | | | feeling good again, feeling strong and confident again. |
| my solar plexus that pushed me to do something | | | | It came to the point where I would take out phrases of |
| about the situation though I could not and did not. With | | | | this book and write them down on pieces of paper |
| all of these feelings present, thank God I did not cry | | | | and just repeat them everyday, to ensure that I felt |
| even once. | | | | great the whole day. |
| As the times went by, the feelings got even worse, | | | | The words in this book , changed my life and made |
| when I thought they were supposed to get better. It | | | | me feel 100% better than I felt even before I went into |
| was a constant negative feeling moving between you | | | | my depression. Before, I had experienced days when I |
| wanting the end of the world to come and you feel | | | | was up and days when I was down, but with the |
| like there is nothing that really interests you in life. | | | | words of this book I was able to feel great at all times. |
| When I would hear her name, I would feel a shot of | | | | I am not sure if it has directly opened up doors in my |
| energy in the stomach. If I would see her, my body will | | | | life , but the only thing I can testify to, is that it did make |
| feel strained and I would lose all positive energy until I | | | | me feel great and I find that feeling great is all that |
| was out of her presence. I was feeling like a lifeless | | | | really matters. |
| person and could do nothing about it at all. I did not | | | | In honor of this great woman who crafted the most |
| know how. | | | | precious words of this book, I have devoted a chapter |
| I lost my interests and my hobbies were not doing it | | | | to some of her writings, so you too can experience |
| for me anymore. I felt like being by myself and kept to | | | | her work. |
| myself for most of the time. However, even when I | | | | After connecting with such powerful words , I never |
| was around people I still felt alone, though I tried not to | | | | fell back down, rather I kept moving upwards looking to |
| show it and never talked about it. | | | | improve my life in every single aspect. I finished college, |
| There were other women of quality who had taken a | | | | found a great job and I also found such a passion and |
| liking to me, and I just ignored them, because I just did | | | | joy for life, anybody around me can testify towards. I |
| not have the energy or strength to take any action. | | | | am also now equipped with a confidence , bordering |
| Most of what I was doing during this time was reading | | | | on arrogance and the belief that anything is possible. |
| the bible, listening to gospel music and heralding the end | | | | About a year ago while searching the internet looking |
| of the world. I had found temporary relief in bible | | | | for ideas on how to find my life's calling , I stumbled |
| messages that talked about the end of time, the | | | | upon a website where I learned about your purpose in |
| destruction of the world and the end of ours. Why? | | | | life and how you can tell just what your purpose is in |
| Because this is where I was emotionally, at the end of | | | | life, by looking at what you have overcome. |
| the world, my life was totally filled with gloom. | | | | There were plenty of examples given of people |
| It had come to the point where I had to write down on | | | | overcoming their fear of women; who then became |
| a paper just what the reasons for living life were, I | | | | dating instructors. Or individuals who overcame |
| think I had come up with about three or four, which I | | | | stuttering who began to help people in public speaking , |
| would look at regularly to remind myself of and they | | | | or individuals who had overcome problems with alcohol |
| were all biblically related. I remember even calling up | | | | or drugs and so on and so forth. |
| some people and asking them just what the purpose | | | | Well, I have overcome depression and feelings of |
| of living was, because I had not much of an answer. | | | | doubt and discouragement and I know exactly how it |
| During the course of these days , I started to tune into | | | | was done. Life has shown me how to keep myself |
| my feelings and I realized that certain types of music | | | | happy regardless of the circumstance and I feel that all |
| would get me feeling good, but only for a short time. I | | | | of this was for a grand purpose . I feel that it is my |
| was listening to gospel music, but that music never | | | | duty to share what I have discovered with the whole |
| really got me feeling good about myself. It had me | | | | world, or whoever just wants to feel great at every |
| feeling good about leaving earth but that was about it. | | | | moment. |
| It was reggae music that gave me just a little boost in | | | | I honestly did not want to share this information. I had |
| those times, with their powerful lyrics about rising up, | | | | become so content that I was actually okay with |
| showing strength, being great and thinking positive. I | | | | keeping all this information for myself. However, when I |
| could get myself pumped up and feeling good, with | | | | envision all of those people who wake up distraught |
| feel good reggae music for about an hour or so. It | | | | every morning and go to bed depressed, who are sad |
| was good, it helped me through alot of the day at | | | | and in the in the dumps, that woman who is suffering |
| least, but this was not enough. | | | | and who is lacking the energy to face another day. Or, |
| At one point I even figured that if I kept a half smile on | | | | if I just picture that emotionally beaten down man who |
| my face that I would maybe start to feel better, but | | | | has just suffered a tremendous loss who needs what |
| this was not enough. | | | | I have to offer him, I just have to write. |